Other Kids Pack Lunch

So What Did The Blair Witch Look Like?

Recently, a friend and I started discussing The Blair Witch. Like it or not, when I first watched The Blair Witch Project, I was genuinely freaked out. Over time, of course, I didn't find it so scary, but at first, it was freaky as hell.

After watching the final moments of the movie again, I began to wonder: what did the Blair Witch look like? It's an obviously natural question and one that the filmmakers avoided for obvious reasons. It's also what made the film so scary in the first place because, no matter how scary their vision of the Blair Witch might have been, no doubt, what we saw in our own heads was much worse. It's a vision made up of what we find the most frightening. A custom monster made by our own worst fears.

Still, I knew that at least some enterprising person out there had made their vision of the monster public. So, I went on a Blair Witch hunt and this is what I found.

Rendering from The Curse of the Blair Witch

You know, I think if it hadn't been for this Sci-Fi documentary that premiered before the movie's release, I wouldn't have been so freaked out. But I did and it was this image that completely freaked me out:

What the hell people? What the hell? That thing is scary and I don't even know why. Just looking at it makes me want to rip up the carpet, tear out the foundation and see if I can hide underground. I hate that thing! I'm going to move on before I do serious damage to myself.

McFarlane's Movie Maniac's Action Figure

This is the way the sculptors at McFarlane envisioned the Blair Witch. And while, by God, that's some scary creature, for some reason, I still find the first one scarier.

And after hours of searching, this is what I've come up with. So, I'm curious to know - when you watched The Blair Witch, what did you imagine the witched looked like. Answers such as "Mickey Mouse" or "John McCain" do not count!

Neil Patrick Harris - Apocalyptic Bad Ass

Picture this: The end of civilization is nigh. Chaos everywhere. Dogs playing poker. Cats smoking dope. Jason Alexander has a series that is renewed for more than two seasons.

That's right folks. It's the end of the world (as we know it).

Now you're probably thinking, "I need provisions. MREs. Bottled water. Dynamite. Porn."

Sweethearts, you're only going to need one thing.

Neil Patrick Harris.

Don't you look at me like that! I know exactly what I'm talking about and to prove that I do, I'm going to give you 10 reasons why Neil Patrick Harris will be the only thing you need in the event of an apocalyptic, cataclysmic event.

• Neil Patrick Harris was so bad ass that he didn't have to wait Clooney age to become a doctor. No. The only thing he needed was puberty. That's all folks. 
• Neil Patrick Harris will kill a whole army of carnivorous dinosaurs for free. Then he'll ask you how your grandmother is doing. 
• When Neil Patrick Harris buys Girl Scout Cookies, he buys them in bulk. This means he's stocked up for the end of the world. And yes, he will share. 
• Neil Patrick Harris can kill Sasquatch. No, actually, he can make Sasquatch kill himself. How? By making Sasquatch feel like a completely inadequate dumbass who doesn't deserve to live. Balk now, but you'll be glad when Neil's intelli-tactic keeps you from being canned Sasquatch food. 
• Using the energy saved by making Sasquatch kill himself, Neil Patrick Harris can build a cabin for long-term winter survival complete with energy efficient solar panels and homemade "green" lightbulbs. Don't believe me? Then just watch and wait, you ass! 
• Neil Patrick Harris never forgets Superman, Batman, Spider-Man and The Green Lantern on his Christmas card list. As such, when he calls, they come running. It's not easy being Superman. He's only a man. Who gets very few Christmas cards. Who do you think you are not sending the world's greatest superhero a card? 
• Neil Patrick Harris can drink Marion Ravenwood under the table. So, if someone has to win more provisions through a drinking game, he's your man. 
• If surviving the apocalypse entails time travel because of a nuclear winter, Neil Patrick Harris is fully prepared to immerse himself in a new time period and you'd do well to stick with him. He will insure that you don't do something stupid like start talking about The Beatles in 1802. 
• Neil Patrick Harris is younger than Chuck Norris. 3 to 1. 
• Neil Patrick Harris is legen - wait for it - dary.

IMDb Message Boards - Cloverfield Anti-Fanboy Insanity

During my time online, I've noticed that there's a group of people who get online for the sole purpose of losing their shit. I'm not sure if there's a technical term for this, but whenever a new "event film" comes out, it seems to reach a pinnacle.

Currently, that event film is Cloverfield. And the location of insanity is IMDb's Message Boards.

IMDb's message boards are great because, for the most part, they're unmoderated. Oh sure, every once in awhile something goes haywire and a big iron fist slaps down among the fields of insanity, but most of the time, it's just an all out free-for-all.

First, we have our board. Cloverfield. Or as IMDb always likes to say: "Cloverfield (2008)." You know. Just in case you get confused.

The first topic at hand is this one:

Now, obviously, this topic holds lots of promise. And it explains a lot. But unfortunately, when we open it, we are only to discover that some ill-fated IMDb poster has lost a banana they were fond of. Whether the Cloverfield monster ate it or not, it's unsure, but since it's on the Cloverfield board, we're going to assume that "Clovie," as he's now been titled by the population of the IMDb board, had something to do with the missing banana.

After several posts on the thread of the poor cocaine-addled poster, one poster finally declares:

Obviously, he's very serious about this since his message is in caps.

Moving on, we find other great discussions such as this one:

This particular post was a tearful refrain about how one poster was just, well, too big for his own good. Shine on you crazy diamond. Shine on.

Now, if you don't believe him, he even gives us pictorial evidence:

So, if you're asking what any of this has to do with Cloverfield, well, technically nothing. More or less, the Cloverfield board has become deluged with haters of the film who are having a blast trolling the board.

There are some direct shots fired, however, which take the form of these topics:

• "My List of Reasons for Why Cloverfueld SUUUCKED" (Because it was spelled correctly?)
• "Soooo Fake..." (Are you saying that monster wasn't real?! I want my money back!)
• "BATTERY IMPOSSIBLE!" (Okay, this one is just old. And here is why.)
• "Cloverfield RUINED the world's economy... Just like 9/11!" (My name is Inigo Montoya. Cloverfield killed my father. Prepare to die.)
• "This movie is DEFINITELY racist against blacks! *spoilers*" (Ah. What's a message board without some old school race baiters! Personally, I found Cloverfield to be a little specist against monsters.)
• "who wanted a girlfriend after watching the movie?" (For those of you who just weren't, you know, hungry for a burger or something after the movie.)

 

So, what is the point of this post? I'm not sure. That IMDb's Cloverfield board has become a breeding ground for insanity and bad grammar?

Maybe. But you've got to admit, it is pretty entertaining.

And on that note, I leave you with this - the current (at the time of writing this) top two topics on the Cloverfield board:

Who says that our education system is failing our kids? Pfft.

ETA: More! More! More!

2008 Dodge Challenger - Make It Look Like Bumblebee!

Now, I know, I know. Bumblebee was a Camaro. And this car looks more like the General Lee, but this thing in yellow and black would be the bomb.

Of course the other thing it really reminds me of? Death Proof.

Okay, so it's not the same thing, but it still reminds me of Stuntman Mike's old 69 Dodge Charger. By the way, the dash on the 69, when it's all lit up, is made of awesome.

 

Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson: Full of Awesome or Legen - wait for it - dary?

Recently, while at the local cinema (I like saying "cinema" - makes me feel all European), I saw this poster and found myself saying, "This is going to be legen - wait for it - dary."

Now let me explain. It was as if I had no control of my lips. As if I had been possessed by the devil herself. It's true. I was in awe of a poster that featured the visage of Neil Patrick Harris. On a fucking unicorn.

A few years ago, if you had said the name "Neil Patrick Harris" to me, I would have replied, "Doody Howser?" with a snort.

Now, after three seasons of How I Met Your Mother, I have discovered: Neil Patrick Harris is full of awesome. Why? Barney Stinson.

If you haven't seen Neil in action as Barney, then you need to catch re-runs of How I Met Your Mother on CBS. There will be plenty of those for awhile as it is anyway with the writer's strike. Might as well make the best of it.

And for those of you who have seen Barney in action, I present you with this moment of zen:

"Amy Winehouse Held in Pot Case"

I love my GMail news ticker. It's always telling me all kinds of fun stuff. Like the time it tried to convince me that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sold their baby by teasing me with the blurb, "Pitt & Jolie Sell Baby." I can't even remember what the news article was about. Only that I had images of Brad Pitt at an auction block yelling, "Heybidderbidderbidderwegotonedollahcanigettwodollahfortheinfantinthepooh
bearsleepah!"

Today, GMail tells me that Amy Winehouse is being held in a pot case. Now, obviously, we know that this means that Amy has had a nasty run-in with the pot cops, but if I were to take the blurb literally, I would be asking several things:

1. How big is the case? 
2. Does it have a latch? A zipper? A snap? 
3. Does it have holes in it so that Amy can breathe? 
4. Is it really shaped like a pot? Or is it just a case that normally holds pot, but currently holds an Amy? 
5. Does the case already accommodate her hair or will her hair have to be compacted in order for her to fit into the case?

I think these questions are completely natural, don't you?

And, in the event you actually want to read the news article (spoil sport), here it is.