Other Kids Pack Lunch

My Official Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Review

Last night, I was able to see the first showing of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at 12:01. I would have posted when I got home, but it was 4 in the morning and I was tired. And no, the movie wasn't *that* long.

I will begin my review by saying, if you're going in expecting this film to be as good or better than Raiders of the Lost Ark, you will be disappointed.

If you're going in expecting this film to give you back your childhood, you will be disappointed. No movie is ever going to accomplish that.

If, however, you're going in expecting a fun movie that isn't supposed to be serious and brings Indy back front and center, you will be more than pleased. This was me and I was exceptionally pleased. Especially after reading the fanboy whining this last year over this film and the ten thousand ways it was going to suck.

So, did I go in with my expectations lowered? I don't know that I went in so much with my expectations lowered as I went in knowing that what I was seeing was a movie that would never meet the expectations of a 19 year wait.

And yes: I was young, but I did see Last Crusade in the theater. We'll stop there.

Now, here's my full review. There are spoilers, so if you want to remain unspoiled, turn away now.

Heath Ledger's Joker: After Heath's Death, What Will Be Different In Regards to The Dark Knight

I came across an interesting blog post and found myself digging through the memory banks of my pop culture riddled mind for memories of comic book movie marketing past. I found myself responding in length on the post's link on ShowHype, but thought I could be a little more verbose (oh yay!) here.

The question lies in this poster and whether or not the poster is banking on Ledger's death:

You know, seriously, it's a valid question. And normally, I would find such marketing suspect.

If we weren't talking about The Joker, that is.

Before Heath's death, I expected a big marketing push surrounding The Joker. He is the big man on campus when it comes to the Batman rogue gallery. Hell, he's the granddaddy of all comic book villains.

But honestly, this really isn't out of the norm for comic book film derivatives and the villains that star in them. Sure, you have your exceptions. Like Batman Begins for instance.

Neither The Scarecrow nor Ra's Al Ghul were big parts of the Batman Begins' marketing push. But to me, that was perfectly understandable. Both characters were familiar to those familiar with the Batman comic or maybe even just Batman: The Animated Series, but to the average film goer? Nah. Let's not kid ourselves. For most people who have only watched the films, The Scarecrow is that guy in The Wizard of OZ. And a friendly fellow he was, too.

Then there's the Joker. As far as I'm concerned, he was the *first* supervillain. Lex Luthor is just a mobster. The Joker is a true supervillain worthy of his own marketing push.

First of all, he was truly one of Batman's first enemies. Wikipedia spells it out pretty well in their Joker page:

The Joker is a fictional character and supervillain that appears in the comic books published by DC Comics. Created by Bill Finger and Bob Kane, and Jerry Robinson, the Joker is the archenemy of the superhero Batman and first appeared in Batman #1 (Spring 1940).

The Wikipedia article also notes that The Joker was voted by Wizard Magazine as being the greatest villain of all time and that Nicholson's Joker was ranked #45 in AFI's Top 50 Film Villains of All Time.

Seriously, when we're talking comic books, The Joker is a big deal. Definitely bigger as far as popularity and scope than Ironman and he has his own movie (Note: Ironman fans, don't get mad at me - I'm not suggesting that he's a better character - just that his familiarity with the masses is more pronounced).

Ledger's Joker was shroud in secrecy with Warner Brothers attempting their best to keep the Joker's face hidden until the first real trailer hit the screen. If you've followed this mess since the beginning, you'll know that they were only half successful due to those fan pictures someone snapped of Ledger heading to his trailer in make-up.

Then there were the mock-ups and even that one photo that everyone thought was real and then turned out to be a hoax. Oy.

Bottom line is: Joker's a big deal around the woods of Pop Culture Central. And he's a big deal for Batman.

But even with The Joker aside, it's not anything new for film studios to make a big deal of a supervillain in a comic book film.

Here's just a few examples.

6 Fantastically Fantastic Movie Marketing Ideas - From The Simpsons to The Empire Strikes Back

For the most part, I believe it's considered cool to snub one's nose at movie marketing. At least that's how it seems. And while I love my underappreciated indie films, I think it's high time we give some credit where credit's due: to the overworked marketing kids who have actually turned out some awesome campaigns.

There have been some true doozies in movie marketing. But, there have also been some successes. In fact, some of the marketing campaigns turned out better than the movie. While that's up to the viewer on the following movies, I definitely think these were some of the coolest ideas in movie marketing. Dorky or not.

The Simpsons Movie - Turning 7-11s Into Kwik-E-Marts

Photo by astrangegirl [Flickr]

This is, in my opinion, the best movie marketing idea EVER. To promote the upcoming Simpson's movie, 12 7-11s were transformed into Kwik-E-Marts. Did it work? Well, you see that line? You tell me.

It worked. Even I was tempted to drive a couple hundred miles to see one of these things. Had it not been for the gas, I would have. That's the gas in the car, mind you.

Cloverfield - Hiding the Biggest Monster in Town

© Paramount Pictures

A giant lion. Voltron. Godzilla. Rodan. These were just some of the theories regarding the mysterious monster in JJ Abrams latest project. They were, of course, all wrong, but for months, the internet was in a frenzy trying to figure out what this bad boy looked like. And when Cloverfield debuted, geeks everywhere rushed to the theatre to find out. Yes, I am a geek. I admit it.

The Blair Witch Project - Is It Real or Is It Fake?

© Miramax

To this day, there are still people who think that the Blair Witch Project was real. Don't believe me? Look up the Blair Witch Project on YouTube and check out some of the comments. You'll be amused. Trust me.

Star Wars Trilogy Re-Release - Banking on Nostalgia

© 20th Century Fox

What better way to bank on a movie than to recycle your older material. Not only did it bring in the dough for the first trilogy, but also greased the wheels for the upcoming lackluster prequels. But hey: you can't say it wasn't successful.

Movie glasses - Fast food premiums

Photo by synthrabbit [Flickr]

Say it's dorky. That's fine. But it's something that was cool and it's something that's missed. Children of the 80s covet their movie glass collection. Movie glasses were produced for films such as Star Wars (all three films), E.T. and The Great Muppet Caper:

Photo by brenjay [Flickr]

Today, fans scour thrift stores and Ebay looking for their favorites. And yes, even I've collected a few. I even have an entire set of Annie glasses from Swensen's, thank you very much.

The Insider Fan - Lord of the Rings, Superman Returns, etc.

Before Superman Returns even began shooting, the filmmakers and studio began a dialogue with fans that made them feel as though they were a part of the filming process. Instead of treating them like peasants, they were treated like insiders.

Many films have done this and it's easy to see why it's successful. You're more likely to spread word of mouth on something that you feel a close connection to. Superman Returns wasn't the first film to do this and it hasn't been the last. Even Cloverfield's viral marketing made the marketing of the film an interactive experience for fans. Instead of talking at them, they were made a part of the story.

And it worked.

Whether or not any of these films lived up to their promise, the campaigns worked. And they were fun. Which made them worth it in the long run. If you ask me, anyway.

So What Did The Blair Witch Look Like?

Recently, a friend and I started discussing The Blair Witch. Like it or not, when I first watched The Blair Witch Project, I was genuinely freaked out. Over time, of course, I didn't find it so scary, but at first, it was freaky as hell.

After watching the final moments of the movie again, I began to wonder: what did the Blair Witch look like? It's an obviously natural question and one that the filmmakers avoided for obvious reasons. It's also what made the film so scary in the first place because, no matter how scary their vision of the Blair Witch might have been, no doubt, what we saw in our own heads was much worse. It's a vision made up of what we find the most frightening. A custom monster made by our own worst fears.

Still, I knew that at least some enterprising person out there had made their vision of the monster public. So, I went on a Blair Witch hunt and this is what I found.

Rendering from The Curse of the Blair Witch

You know, I think if it hadn't been for this Sci-Fi documentary that premiered before the movie's release, I wouldn't have been so freaked out. But I did and it was this image that completely freaked me out:

What the hell people? What the hell? That thing is scary and I don't even know why. Just looking at it makes me want to rip up the carpet, tear out the foundation and see if I can hide underground. I hate that thing! I'm going to move on before I do serious damage to myself.

McFarlane's Movie Maniac's Action Figure

This is the way the sculptors at McFarlane envisioned the Blair Witch. And while, by God, that's some scary creature, for some reason, I still find the first one scarier.

And after hours of searching, this is what I've come up with. So, I'm curious to know - when you watched The Blair Witch, what did you imagine the witched looked like. Answers such as "Mickey Mouse" or "John McCain" do not count!

13 Scary, Bitchy Movie Villainesses

Women can be scary. I know. I am one.

Then why is it that it seems so hard to find decent female villains? Especially when some of the best villains are female? Peruse any "Best Villains" list and you'll find that male villains outnumber female villains 4 to 1. Blah.

Let's skip the rest of the yada yada yada and just get down to the bitches.

Annie Wilkes - Misery

Baby, I'm your number one fan! Annie Wilkes is scary because she exists out there. When an obsessed Bjork fan sent an acid bomb to Bjork's doorstep because he was upset with her over her relationship with a black man, it was easy to make parallels to Annie Wilkes. Annie was a disgruntled, obsessed fan. The worst kind.

Cruella de Vil - 101 Dalmations

In movies, you can have hundreds of human causalities, but put a dog in there and people get downright angry. "You can have the humans, but for God's sake, leave the dog alone!" Cruella didn't leave the dogs alone. She liked to make fashion accessories out of them. In short, she was a nasty, shanky ho with bad taste in fashion. Bitch.

9 Best Uses of Boobs in a Movie

Photo by Todd Huffman [Flickr]

You know, boobs are fantastic things. No really. Many times, though not always, they are aesthetically pleasing. They are fun - sometimes. And they can even help you out of a jam. Sometimes.

Better yet, they can make a bad movie seem just okay and a good movie even better. Don't believe me? Fine. I'll show you.

No. I'm not showing you those. I'm showing you these:

9 Best Uses of Boobs in a Movie

Fembots - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

 

It isn't often that you get to see steel nipples protrude from feather covered boobies. Okay, I'm going to have to reevaluate that last sentence over the coming months and years. For now, it stays.

In Austin Powers, these weren't just boobs. They were boobs of mass destruction.

Three Baseball Movies I Can't Help But Love

 

 

Baseball season is here and I have to admit that I'm not a big sports fan. I know that if the Yankees are playing, they should, well, win, but that's more because I am in love with New York than anything else.

Of course, I do love the idea of baseball. And maybe that's why I love baseball movies. Good ones, anyway. So, without further adieu, here are my three favorite baseball movies.

Eight Men Out

Scandal and baseball make for good story. Most of the time. And while the story was fantastic, I think what really makes this film all the better is the amazing cast. John Cusack, D.B. Sweeney and David Strathairn, among others. I'm sure there are few baseball fans out there who haven't seen this one, but on the chance you're like me, this movie is one that's easily enjoyed by baseball enthusiasts and, you know, someone like me.

A League of Their Own

I heard you making your comments and long drawn out signs. I don't care. I love this movie and everything about it. I mean, it was this movie that gave us the oft quoted, "There's no crying in baseball!" And, unlike most baseball movies, there's the obvious difference that this one is a little bit, well, girl-centric, which makes it unique. Plus, this is easily one of my favorite Tom Hanks roles.

"By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz."

Oh and David Strathairn is in this one, too. What's with that?

Field of Dreams

Well, this is just a given. It's romantic and not in the kissy kissy way. There's that music and James Earl Jones and it has compelling drama that one can easily understand with or without an extensive knowledge of the game. It plays on the base need of human beings to somehow recapture their youth which is what makes it work again and again and again, no matter how many times you watch it. And then there's that monologue by Terrance Mann (James Earl Jones) that just gives you chills:

 

Nope. You don't even have to know what a baseball looks like to understand why that speech works so well.

Yup. There ya have it. My three favorite baseball movies. Word.

How to Throw the Ultimate Indiana Jones 4 Party

What has a fear of snakes, a dirty leather jacket and sweats like a pig? Actually, I don't know if [insert preferred politician name here] has a fear of snakes, but I do know that Indiana Jones does. And since we're all throwing a party in his honor come May 22, I think it's only fitting that we do it right. So, takes these tips and make me proud.

1. Indy is an obtainer of antiquities. For decor, raid your local World Market or even a thrift store that might have some good finds for a stash of "old world" decor. Copper plates, stone crucifixes and aged books will work well. 
2. Instead of placemats, take segments of an atlas or world map and tea stain them. Or, if you're really enterprising, make your own in Photoshop and have it printed up at a local print shop. 
3. While you definitely want to play the soundtracks from the three films, you might also intersperse some classic Indian music or even soundtracks from other adventure flicks. The Mummy is a good one. 
4. With a little Polymer Clay, gold leafing paint and a orange rhinestone, you can make your own Staff of Ra medallion. Step by step instructions are here. 
5. Snakes. Plastic snakes will pay homage to that which Indy hates the most. 
6. If you're on a budget, even basic cupcakes can take on an Indy theme with a little frosting and some shrink plastic (also known as Shrinky Dinks). Make sure to get the plastic that allows one to print on the plastic. Once the plastic is printed, then follow the instructions, let cool and place the decorations on your cupcakes.  
7. Recreate the dinner scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom with some of the more outlandish Jell-O molds. You can also use eyeball props and other disgusting novelties to complete the scene. 
8. Hold an Indiana Jones trivia game. 
9. If your guests are the more creative and playful type, make a "brick film" with the new Indiana Jones Legos sets. Watch the footage at the end of the party and if you really like it, edit it and send it to friends online. 
10. Organize an Indiana Jones themed scavenger hunt in your town. Some of the things you can look for: Copies of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, old goblets and perhaps a plush monkey. 
11. Serve dates. 
12. Plastic skulls and bones make perfect decor. You can even find mummy themed merchandise on the net. 
13. Re-enact Marion's drinking game. Make sure you have plenty of shot glasses and designated drivers, of course. 
14. Give away reproduction posters as trivia game prizes or for favors. 
15. Other favors could include toy rats, a box of dates and antique style journals. 
16. Buy test tubes from an online retailer and fill them with Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid (ala Indy's antidote from Temple of Doom). 
17. Cake balls have become a staple of low-key celebrations. However, instead of just making plain cake balls, tint the almond bark with just a little black icing color. This will make the almond bark gray. Now, you have miniature edible boulders from the temple escape scene. 
18. Use white butcher paper and make a Club Obi Wan sign.  
19. Make it a costume party. Have everyone come as a character from the series or dress in their best rendition of 40s apparel.
20. Make your own Staff of Ra Headpiece.

Now this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you not to take it seriously and just have fun. No! Take it seriously! Go all out! This could be - and probably is - the last Indy movie! So you better party, folks!

Related:

• The Grody Emporium: Brains, Eyeballs and Beating Hearts
• Indiana Jones Merchandise
• Indiana Jones Legos

8 Ghost Movies That Don't Suck

Not all ghost stories are ones filled with scares. There's always that story about the spirit who looks after the child that fell in the well or some such stuff. Or the ghost who likes to short sheet the bed. Therefore, I think it's high time we had a list dedicated to ghost movies in general. Though some will scare the crap out of you. Just sayin'. Here they are, in random order. The scary, the funny and even the romantic.

The Ring

The Ring has been one of the few Asian remakes to really capture the feel of true horror that is the Asian ghost tale. There are a number of truly unforgettable scenes in this film that make it one of those films you almost regret watching. Which, of course, are the best kind. The Ring has all the classic trademarks of the Asian horror flick. Scary girl with long hair that covers her face and sometimes crawls. The quick glimpse of something so horrid (the closet corpse) that it makes you curse the filmmaker for putting it in there. In fact, this blogger cites it as the second most unsettling scene in recent cinema. The subliminal images that put you on edge - even if you don't know they're there (imdb's trivia page for The Ring says there are several, but mentions specifically that the "ring" image from the video is spliced into the horse scene). There's not a lot of gore. Instead, it's that slow, drilling horror that tags along with you after you leave the theatre or put the box back in its case.

Chillingly enough, you can watch the cursed video on the DVD version. Like those ugly FBI warnings before the film, you can't stop, pause or forward it. The only way you can stop it from playing is by turning off the box. Creepy, eh?

Flash Gordon: The Best Horrifically Bad Movie Ever

I'm probably ruining my geek cred here, but it was only recently that I saw the original Flash Gordon movie. And let me tell you, it was a thing of wonder.

Have you ever seen a movie so god-awful that it was good? A movie that was so horribly like a cinematic train wreck - wait, it was a cinematic train wreck - that you couldn't turn away?

This is Flash Gordon.

Why is it so bad it's good? Well, by God, I'll tell you why:

• A rock/synthesized/choral soundtrack. While you're watching Flash Gordon do....whatever it is Flash Gordon does, you're treated to one of the most fantastically horrid soundtracks ever. Picture it: you're watching Flash be blond and laughably bad-assed when you here a chorus (or perhaps it was really Foreigner in disguise) sing, "Flash! Aaaaaaaah!" Beautiful.
• Max von Sydow as The Emperor Ming. He's the kind of villain you'd find in bad fanfiction since, of course, the really cool villain died in the movie. But with Flash Gordon, you get to totally bypass the really bad ass villain and go straight to the cheese. It's like skipping over the steak and going right for the Cheese-Whiz.
• Dale Arden intermittently gasping, "Oh, Flash!"   
• Dialogue that should have won the screenwriter an Oscar. Such as the following:

Klytus: Bring me... the bore worms!
Princess Aura: No! Not the bore worms!

• No matter how many times you adjust your set, Flash Gordon's hair will always be the color of Big Bird.
• Flash Gordon spends the last half of the movie riding around on a really nifty jetski. Sure. Tell me it's some super-propelled death wing of doom. It was a jetski. With some sort of anti-gravity mechanism. Yup.
• The not-so pretty Spartans - the ones you didn't see in 300 - are in this movie. And they fly. Neat-o, right?

The only thing that would have made the movie perfect would have been if Flash Gordon and Timothy Dalton (we use Dalton's real name here to make him feel better about himself) had made out. There was one second where you just knew it was going to be all Brokeback Gordon. Then it went and succumbed to societal peer pressure. Damn you, Flash!

Seriously, if you want an extremely ridiculous movie to watch with friends, you need this movie. It's a thing of wonder.

ETA: Okay, so my friend Steven has informed me that I am a NOOB. Before today, I had no idea that Queen was behind that somewhat insane soundtrack. I'm thinking that Queen - dearly departed Freddie included - probably hopes that the rest of the world will forget their involvement as well. Maybe.