Photo by Todd Huffman [Flickr]
You know, boobs are fantastic things. No really. Many times, though not always, they are aesthetically pleasing. They are fun - sometimes. And they can even help you out of a jam. Sometimes.
Better yet, they can make a bad movie seem just okay and a good movie even better. Don't believe me? Fine. I'll show you.
No. I'm not showing you those. I'm showing you these:
9 Best Uses of Boobs in a Movie
Fembots - Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
It isn't often that you get to see steel nipples protrude from feather covered boobies. Okay, I'm going to have to reevaluate that last sentence over the coming months and years. For now, it stays.
In Austin Powers, these weren't just boobs. They were boobs of mass destruction.
And she showed me her boobies and I liked them too! - Waterboy
Ah, Waterboy. You may have hated it, but Bobby Boucher doesn't care because he likes Vicki Vallencourt. Especially after she showed him her boobies.
Boobs Bound and Unbound - Shakespeare in Love
In Shakespeare in Love, poor Viola found her boobs to be a big fat bummer. So, like any good crossdresser, she bound them up. Only to have Joseph Fiennes, I mean Shakey, unbind them later. And all breathed a sigh of relief. Especially her boobs.
They're Called Boobs, Ed - Erin Brockovich
In Erin Brockovich, Erin shows us just how useful boobs really can be when she uses them to bypass the gatekeeper and peruse the records she wants. Realistically, this doesn't always work, but sometimes - just sometimes - it does. Yup.
This Is Bob. Bob Had Bitch Tits - Fight Club
Not just girls have boobs, you know. Look at Bob. Bob had bitch tits.
And by the way, his name was Robert Paulson. Yup. It was. Betcha didn't know that.
Her Grandmother Felt Her Up - Sixteen Candles
You're already having a shitty day. Your parents have forgotten your birthday. And not just any birthday. Your SIXTEENTH birthday. And while this was before the days of brats getting Lexus' that wouldn't even make them happy, it was still a pretty big dis at the time.
Then, you've got a Long Duk Dong tagging along behind you to your school dance and that guy that you are so crazy about doesn't seem to know you exist.
But worst of all, the first person to officially feel you up is your grandmother.
So how was your day?
Stevie Wonders and Bags of Sand - The 40 Year Old Virgin
Before The 40 Year Old Virgin, I had never really thought of my boobs in the context of dirt or sand. I hadn't thought of them in the context of blind pop stars, either. But I am ashamed to say, I might have had to make sure that Stevie Wonder couldn't read the Bible on my nips. Yes. I am hanging my head in shame.
She's A Girl, Bay-Bee! - Just One of the Guys
Just One of the Guys is one of the few films that feature boobs as the catalyst for the death of Act 2. In fact, they were such a "big", ehm, part of the movie that they were even featured on the poster artwork:
I think it's safe to say that anyone - anyone - male, female, gay, straight, bi, asexual, some cats and a few dogs, perhaps a parakeet - who grew up in the 80s remembers this poster. Or, at the very least, the video box as it called out to unsuspecting renters from the video rental store shelf.
Four, Count 'Em, Four Boobs - Total Recall
You know, when I think of Total Recall, the first thing I remember is that three-boobed chick. However, upon a little investigation, it appears I was one off. Wow. How can you miss a boob?
These things did little more for the movie than they did for the girl. They simply became fodder for conversations that begin like, "Hey, remember that chick with the three/four boobs in Total Recall?"
And then, inevitably, the subject turns to that Yoda Baby that hung out in that one guy's chest. Or Chandler's third nipple.
---------------
These are merely my opinions. Which are really kinda like boobs in a way. Only useful if you're getting paid for them or someone is depending on them for food. Which, kinda goes hand in hand sometimes. Hand in hand.
Yeah. Let me get outta here before I do more damage.
So, what did I miss?
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Hi there :)
Great blog and I must thank Letterman and Depp for the opportunity (The billboard thing, I'm still searching to see it by the way).
Very very good blog, directly bookmarked.
And yes, boobs are the deal.
Posted by: Homespun Bleach | April 03, 2008 at 02:34 PM
FOUR? You're kidding. I have to dig out my copy of Total Recall now, because that's going to fuck with my head for a while if it's true...
Oof. :(
Posted by: Fortyseven | May 16, 2008 at 07:19 PM
Great article, best boob scene for me is in Austin Powers, when Heather Graham uses them to get out of the guard.
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Great article, best boob scene for me is in Austin Powers, when Heather Graham uses them to get out of the guard.
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