The holiday season is here. As such, you'll be hearing these lines fairly regularly for the next 30 or so days:
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
"We're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye."
"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings."
And my personal favorite:
"Deck the halls with boughs of horry. Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra."
Go ahead and tell me you hate all those sappy Christmas movies. Try to convince yourself that you're Ebenezer reincarnated. I know better. You may try to convince everyone around you, but I know, when you're by yourself, you mist up when Ralphie tears the paper off that Red Ryder BB Gun.
But I'm not here to convince you to come out of the Christmas movie loving closet or go on about those movies that we probably could recite in our sleep. What I've come here to do is to figure out why one Christmas movie becomes a classic and the next becomes Jack Frost (the one with Michael Keaton, y'all).
Every year, Hollywood tries to cash in on the Christmas season and make another Christmas classic so that twenty years down the line, they can issue an entire line of commemorative merchandise based on said classic film. More often than not, however, what is released is a lackluster piece of crap that winds up in the $2 previously viewed bin at Blockbuster.
This year, it's Fred freakin' Claus. If you didn't realize that one was going to be a dud from the trailers alone, well, there's hope for Hollywood, yet.
However, for those of us hoping for another film that will equal the fun of a Griswold Family Christmas, I'm here to give those writers out there striking a little idea of what makes a good Christmas movie.
1. A Kid.
Christmas movies might be the one exception where a kid can actually
improve a movie instead of demolish it. While there are a couple of
instances where kids aren't actually needed for holiday fun (Love
Actually and, to some extent, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation),
there's more instances where a kid is present than not.
The thing is, kids present a sort of vehicle for imagination impaired adults to go along with the whole "magic of Christmas" deal. Kids, when written correctly, can also get away with things that adults cannot. Such as fantasizing about soap poisoning or elaborate theft traps.
2. Music
Music plays a key part in any film, but with Christmas movies, there's just a little difference. Usually, the music comes pre-made, so to speak. No need for an entirely new soundtrack - use the Christmas classics. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and "Mele Kalikmaka" will work just fine and, before long, if the movie is really a classic, it will be difficult to hear the song without envisioning the scene that accompanies it.
Sometimes, it doesn't even have to be a Christmas song. After all, never again will I hear "Jump (For My Love)" by The Pointer Sisters without seeing Hugh Grant twitch his cute little butt.
3. We All Like to be Touched (giggle)
Seriously, the best Christmas movies bridge comedy and feelings (nothing more than feeeeeeelings). Take "A Christmas Story." Funny as hell, but there's this poignant thread that runs through the movie of the importance of childhood innocence and memories.
4. Christmas Has a Dark Side. Use It.
For every great thing about Christmas, there's another that's nasty and vile and putrid. So why not embrace it?
Some of the greatest Christmas movies (and classic stories for that matter) take off from the nasty side of Christmas. A Christmas Carol and, my favorite version, Scrooged with Bill Murray, do this oh so well.
Think of all the material. Nasty shoppers that try to run over you in the mall. Family that drives you insane. That creepy santa at the mall (this one has been tastefully, ha, done by Bad Santa). Not every angel has to get his wings.
5. Santa; It's Been Done
If you're going to write a movie about ol' Saint Nick, it better be original. Because, otherwise, it's been done about a thousand times before and most of them have stunk. And Elf has taken on the workforce and the whole "Santa needs a date" thing has been done, ad nauseum, by The Santa Clause movies starring Tim Allen. Really. If you can't make it fresh, move on. Do I need to repeat the words, "Fred Claus?"
Bottom line, if you can't make an original Christmas movie that is going to make me want commemorative Christmas ornaments and kitschy wrapping paper, don't do it. Instead, just re-release the classics at the theatre until someone can make a Christmas movie that doesn't make me want to bleach my brain.
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